A Qualitative Analysis of Scarlett Johansson’s Illustrious Dating History

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About this morning, news broke that Bobby Flay—aka hamburgler fuccboi, aka “this sandwich won’t bite, we promise” guy, aka wait, is he planning to prepare this kitty cat?—may or may possibly not be dating celebrity of these Certified Fresh films as Chef and Topher Grace-masterwork, In Good business: the main one, the sole, the Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett Johansson is 32-years-old, and arguably probably the most gorgeous females on our planet. She’s also an actress that is fabulous and another of the very most bankable movie stars in Hollywood. Her in Translation? Unbelievable. Her neuroticism that is free-spirited in Christina Barcelona and Match aim? First-rate. And He’s Simply Not That Towards You. That has been a movie that has been made as soon as.

Bobby Flay, having said that, is 52. He’s a Food System star. And his name seems like the version that is generic of name that gets offered at Walgreens for half the cost.

The math was done by me. IT DOESN’T ADD UP. (I ALSO DON’T KNOW JUST HOW TO DO MATH!)

Therefore I asked myself a tremendously simple question I’ve asked myself for completely different purposes nearly every early morning since November:

exactly just How did we arrive here? And much more especially: if they’re certainly dating—which, who knows—how did Scar Jo arrive here?

Below, I’ve compiled an incomplete listing of Scarlett Johansson’s paramours, in approximately chronological purchase. This can assist us obtain a better image of what’s going on here.

2002Scarlett Johansson dated Fun. guitar player, Bleachers man and time that is otherwise big producer Jack Antonoff for just two years in senior school, in the pro Children’s class (listed here is a photo of this valedictorian).

2004AScarlett Johansson was romantically associated with Jude that is 31-year-old Law then 12 years her senior. She also had intercourse with Benicio del Toro in an elevator in the Chateau Marmont, which can be precisely the types of thing individuals who’ve never ever gone to the Chateau Marmont (me) would expect you’ll take place during the Chateau Marmont. She had been Patrick that is reportedly seeing Wilson too. There is certainly a pattern here: older dudes.

2005She has a fling with notorious lady’s guy Jared Leto, hence starting her dudes that are age-appropriate.

2005-2007Johansson dates Josh that is perma-teen-hearthrob Hartnett 2 yrs. It’s her very very very first genuine relationship since Antonoff in ‘02.

2008-2011Our woman goes right from Hartnett to Ryan Reynolds, who she marries. It’s a pretty move taste-wise that is lateral.

2011Scarlett gets divorced and would go to Mexico with Sean Penn.

2012Scarlett begins dating Nate Naylor, a brand new york advertising exec whom, in accordance with people who understand him, has an eye fixed for risqué art and appears like Morrissey in their prime. That’s praise that is high a normal individual to get. For contextualization benefit, I’ve just ever been when compared with Matthew Perry, but less during their prime, and much more during the years he had been coked away on Friends.

2012-2016Scarlett times, then marries, then divorces journalist/editor that is french Dauriac.

2017Scarlett had been connected to SNL Weekend Update co-host Colin Jost as late as May, which everyone else type of universally agrees to be a huge victory for Colin Jost. And from now on, finally, it may be Flay’s change.

Okay, time and energy to come back to our question that is original did we arrive here?

Well, after meticulously Homeland-ing my whole bed room with photos and magazine clippings and different-colored yarns—i purchased the spools during the Yarn shop, it is a how to meet asian ladies place—we arrived up with all the after explanation. I’ve used dashes to split up the points, in order to keep pace.

-2002 to approximately 2005 we could fundamentally discount as a result of Scarlett Johansson being fully a newly famous starlet that is 19-year-old Hollywood. It had been, as individuals state, a period. Completely behavior that is understandable. Particularly doing del Toro in a elevator. If perhaps you were a starlet between your many years of 19-24 between 2003-2006, it absolutely was essentially a rite of passage to own intercourse with del Toro in a resort lift.* After all, you dudes have observed 21 Grams, right?

*Backed up by zero evidence.

-2005 to 2011 is more or less the “Oh delay we can essentially date any guy i would like” period. We have Hartnett. We have Reynolds. Two severe relationships with two really usually good-looking dudes.

-2011 (cont.): Classic rebound situation, going from somebody who smiles on a regular basis (Reynolds) to some body whoever face is kind of stuck in a permanent snarl (Penn’s face).

-2012 to 2016 discovers Scarlett with two good-looking guys that are successfulNaylor and Dauriac) that are however maybe maybe perhaps not an integral part of the Hollywood elite. After dating actors for way too long, this can be a departure that is reasonable. Plus, hot execs that are creative the actors of normal individuals.

-Post-divorce, 2017 is probably Scarlett’s many year that is interesting date. Jost is type of a throwback into the clean-cut Reynolds-esque actors. And Flay feels as though the consequence of a) returning to her 19-year-old older-guy-phase; and b) starring in Chef in 2014. Her toggling between your two is novel, yet also predictable: she’s been toggling between a Jost and a Flay within one means or another her whole life that is dating.

For whatever reason, I’m 76% yes she’ll date Anthony Bourdain next.

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Sam Eichner likes literary works, reality tv along with his double kitties similarly. He’s got regularly been told he requires a shave since he began growing hair that is facial.